The best disclaimer I've seen in a while

by Diane Duane

This point may take a little time to get to, so bear with me.

Peter and I are getting ready to do an afternoon cooking demonstration at the local hardware store, thus doing something to deserve our local reputation — most easily summed up as “You know, those two crazy people who live just outside of [name of small village omitted], the Americans — ” (at which I roll my eyes, because no American would mistake Peter’s accent as anything USAnian, though everyone here does) — “the ones who’re talking about food all the time, did you hear about the dinner they made for Pat and Mary Courtney… oh, they’re writers? Sure I didn’t know that. What do they write? Anyway, they made this terrific rolled pork loin and this rosemary-smoked lamb…”

— anyway, that reputation. So as part of the prep for this event (which will be happening at Quinns of Baltinglass on Saturday, February 25th, between 1:30 and 4:30, don’t miss it if you’re in the area), I went off to look for some pictures of Baltinglass Abbey to use as part of the promotional handout that Kieran the manager asked us to whip up. (The theme of the afternoon is “Bought in Baltinglass”, and the gist of the demonstration is to show that you can do incredible gourmet things with what’s available in a medium-sized Irish country town these days.)

And while looking around for photos in Google (to see if there was anything better than the pictures I might be taking myself this afternoon), I found — at the bottom of a page of pictures of someone’s megalith-ruin-stone-circle-seeking tour of Ireland, a disclaimer. is not responsible for your own dumb ass. For best results, don’t be a dumb ass. is not recommended for children under 13. Parents should be aware that this site contains: discussion of sex with blow up animals, gratuitous amounts of profanity, and really wacky shit we can’t even classify, much less recommend to little tikes. Expect misrepresentations, false assertions, and malicious deception.

While using, please refrain from operating power tools, underwater breathing devices, powered enema machines, or the “Thigh Master”. Failure to comply with this rule may lead unscrupulous types to hack into your web cam and post incriminating pictures of you at “Am I Hot Or Not?”

Improper operation of can lead to insomnia, dropsy, toe loss, addiction to yogurt, very small fingernails, rapid eye movements, aversion to French cuisine, and spastic colon. Among other things. Don’t make us list them all. You get the idea. Just be careful. It’s not a toy. You could put an eye out for God’s sake!!!

And there’s much more.

Jon (whoever he may be) has brightened my day. Must send him some recipes as soon as I finish packing up all this eBay stuff to be mailed out…(that being the rest of today’s business, just about. You wouldn’t believe how it can complicate your life when your little local post office shuts down and you gave up your car five years ago).

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