{"id":5744,"date":"2019-07-02T20:51:45","date_gmt":"2019-07-02T20:51:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dianeduane.com\/outofambit\/?p=5744"},"modified":"2021-10-17T13:52:23","modified_gmt":"2021-10-17T13:52:23","slug":"the-transcendent-pig-on-air-guitar","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.dianeduane.com\/outofambit\/2019\/07\/02\/the-transcendent-pig-on-air-guitar\/","title":{"rendered":"The Transcendent Pig on Air Guitar"},"content":{"rendered":"

(This comes to you via the as yet incomplete Young Wizards 30-Day OTP collection.<\/a> The song in question came up in our local pub’s playlist just now, and I couldn’t not reproduce this for the pleasure of those who prefer not to go over to Tumblr these days due to their data policy. And frankly, who could blame you? …If you’re not previously acquainted with the Transcendent Pig: here he is. http:\/\/www.youngwizards.com\/ErrantryWikiOld\/index.php\/Transcendent_Pig<\/a>)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\n

Once upon a time (or indeed once upon another<\/i> time, if that suits you better: there\u2019s always more time lying around), in the lounge bar of a pub in the foothills of the Wicklow Mountains of Ireland, a redheaded woman is kissing a pig.<\/p>\n

Not just any woman, granted. And definitely not just any Pig.<\/p>\n

In any case, none of this is as difficult as it might sound on first hearing, as the Pig is both graceful and light on his feet, and good at displacing his\u00a0 own mass in such a way as not to wreck the barstool on which he\u2019s perched. Nor (from the redhead\u2019s side of things) is this particularly an unpleasant experience, as the Pig\u2019s facial bristles are on the soft side, and due to being fairly silvery to start with, almost invisible anyway \u2014 as if he\u2019s wearing a very subtle and discreet version of designer stubble, with a slight glitter about it.<\/p>\n

\u201cChao, bello.\u201d <\/i>It is of course a pun, a terrible one. \u201cMwah. Mwah.\u201d<\/p>\n

The redhead gets a third \u201cMwah\u201d from the pig, then straightens up and looks at him quizzically. \u201cThree?<\/i> What, are we in Switzerland all of a sudden? Or no, of course you<\/i> are. By definition.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd why not? Besides, a three for one deal, I\u2019d think you\u2019d be in favor. Value for money. Very<\/i> Swiss. Anyway, I hear you\u2019re planning to be crying on the bar up there shortly\u2026\u201d He grins.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, don\u2019t you<\/i> start tormenting me now! I can get that at home.\u201d She rolls her eyes. \u201cYet another way for the BBC to break my heart, who needed that\u2026?<\/i> Come on, get yourself settled.\u201d<\/p>\n

No one in the bar shows the slightest sign of having noticed a redhead kissing the Pig hello a la Suisse<\/i>, or the two of them settling in their respective seats. This is partly because all this is happening in the woman\u2019s head, but also partly because this is one of her locals. And even if they could see what was going on, the neighbors (who\u2019re by now well used to seeing this particular redhead with a red wine and a mineral water and a netbook and an iPad and a notebook on the bar in front of her, working on them all at once) would never be caught actually remarking<\/i> on whatever she\u2019s up to this time. At least not until she\u2019s left.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou comfortable?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEntirely.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your pleasure? They\u2019ve got Ballygowan if you\u2019re on the clock.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou kidding? I\u2019ve been on the clock since the local Big Bang, and no one cares when I punch out. Or is qualified to judge what I\u2019m doing, whether I have or not. If you\u2019re buying I\u2019ll have a Remy, thankyouverymuch.\u201d<\/p>\n

The dark-haired assistant manager, Louise, comes around and takes their orders without batting an eye. (And why would this be a surprise when you think how many jokes start with \u201cA(n) [x] walks into a bar\u2026\u201d? They get all kinds around here; any place that routinely deals with Wicklow bachelor farmers has no problems with the occasional Yank-Irish woman or silvery-pink Pig.) Shortly the redhead has a fresh glass of a Spanish-bred Cabernet Sauvignon, and the Pig has an oversized snifter of XO, and they are clinking glasses.<\/p>\n

\u201cMud in your eye.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike there\u2019s any on you. Ne\u2019gakh emeirsith<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n

They sip and settle back into the calm atmosphere. Halloween isn\u2019t for another two weeks and change, but the decorations are up already: people here like Halloween, and in any case there\u2019s not the inevitable groaning that comes with the appurtenances of Christmas (especially the TV ads) starting too fecking soon. The place is calmly busy, half-full with a subset of the place\u2019s normal afternoon clientele \u2014 in the recently-redone front bar, guys who have bets on races or the football are escaping home life till teatime; here in the lounge to the rear, ladies and gents are cozied away in the U-shaped banquette booths, having tea or drinks and taking a break from the shopping with the kids in tow. Some of the smallest of the tinies are thundering up and down past the far wall in the enclosed play area.<\/p>\n

The most important thing the pub has, besides a comfortable atmosphere and genial staff who know the redhead and her husband of old, and a good restaurant and lunch buffet, is working wi-fi\u2014which the redhead has been exploiting for some time now to turn this general area into one of several Away Offices. Now, though, she shuts down the laptop and the Pad and silences the phone and takes a few other precautions against being interrupted. \u201cThought we\u2019d have been having this conversation a bit earlier,\u201d the Pig remarks, gazing around.<\/p>\n

\u201cNope, we\u2019re right on time.\u201d She finishes putting the last of the various devices to sleep. \u201cYou know the guidelines. If you\u2019re going to self-insert, don\u2019t be shy about it, don\u2019t let yourself off easy, and pay attention to the symmetry. Right at the beginning, right at the end, or smack dab in the middle.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOr all three.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t have a resonance with just one thing, can you? You need two, minimum. But three\u2019s a chord.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo tell me something I don\u2019t<\/i> know.\u201d<\/p>\n

She chuckles. \u201cBit of a stretch, that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I may be omnipresent, but that doesn\u2019t necessarily make me omniscient.\u201d<\/p>\n

On the face of it, this is true, but the redhead suspects that the Transcendent Pig\u2014due to his unique uncreated status\u2014has certain positional advantages he doesn\u2019t routinely reveal or discuss. Fine: so does she. \u201cLet\u2019s not play semantics games just now,\u201d she said. \u201cGot other business.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI assumed so. What\u2019s on your mind?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026 You know what I\u2019ve been up to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s more or less unavoidable. You mean the OTP thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026 The spooning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a bit intimate.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMmm?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t touch anybody like that till I was twenty. In fact, probably twenty-one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou thought you were a bit late off the blocks, as I recall.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well. Problem is, how to put them<\/i> there. Believably. Without deranging either the printed canon or the OTP end of things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo what\u2019s the problem? They\u2019ve been snogging.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot the same. This is, well, full-body, isn\u2019t it. And things can, you know, happen.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Pig looks at her sidelong. \u201cSomehow I suspect your audience may know<\/i> about this. Even the ones that some deeply buried part of you sometimes thinks may be too young for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMmph.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe world is as it is. You\u2019re always adjuring them to deal with it so. Well, guess what.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI hate it when you\u2019re so reasonable.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou give me grief when I\u2019m un<\/i>reasonable, too. Why not make life easier for both of us and just get off the damn pot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUnusually robust language from you\u2026 It just seems a little soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSome would say otherwise. Some would say it\u2019s been way too long.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMmph.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSome say you\u2019re way too conservative.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well, some haven\u2019t had a gun pulled on them once or twice. Sometimes caution gets mistaken for conservatism. \u2026Anyway, if we\u2019re playing in this idiom, the last thing you want with a loaded gun is a misfire.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm,\u201d says the Pig, and spends a few moments in communion with the Remy while listening to the pub\u2019s piped music, which is presently featuring something by Starship. \u201cRight, let\u2019s get to grips. How were you going to set it up?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot at home,\u201d she says immediately.<\/p>\n

\u201cGranted. Parents. Siblings.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDairine,\u201d they say more or less in unison: then laugh together.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well,\u201d says the Pig. \u201cShe has enough issues on her plate at the moment to keep her offside. Still: Carmela.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot too worried about her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe other one, then.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe other one\u201d is how the Pig routinely refers to Helena. Plainly there\u2019s something going on here that warrants investigation, but the redhead puts it aside for another time. \u201cBetter keep her from any chance of getting involved with this,\u201d the redhead says. \u201cShe has a gift for getting the wrong end of these things. In fact, most<\/i> things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSome have based whole novels on such.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Some\u2019 would not be me<\/i>. Life\u2019s too short.\u201d She sighs. \u201cAnyway, I was thinking the Moon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlways good for when you don\u2019t want to get too far from home but still want some privacy. So go on then; what have you got?\u201d<\/p>\n

The redhead raises her eyebrows. \u201cYou want the prose version or the primary material?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy filter it? Primary, always. Roll it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, okay\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

No lowering long shadows blocking out the sun, no huge lazy shapes cruising overhead. The situation is desperately unfilmic, as apparently spacecraft moving at bizarre sudden angles and wildly variable speeds test poorly with terrestrial audiences. What the black sky is<\/i> full of is darting shapes with unpredictably shifting outlines, leaping around at irrational angles and shooting not just out their fronts or back but from every available surface.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe may be here a while. Better merge the shields\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2014there are other wizards scattered all over the lunar surface and her mind\u2019s more on them at the moment. Nonetheless, the two of them are not in a good place at the moment, and she\u2019s considering how they can get out of this and then situated somewhere they can do some good.<\/p>\n

\u201cOur O2 balance isn\u2019t real great,\u201d Kit mutters from where he\u2019s hunkered down next to her.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, respiration\u2019s been up,\u201d is all Nita can say right now, because no question, she\u2019d been left gasping after those last couple of wizardries, the ones they\u2019d cobbled together to crash those two ships that got too close. The trouble was getting a fix on these things: they dodged in and out of normal space the way they flickered along their quirky abnormal flight paths, and no sooner had you managed to describe their movement and other physical parameters in a spell than they\u2019d shifted out of phase and slipped through your wizardry\u2019s grasp. We got lucky those last two times,<\/i> Nita thought. Don\u2019t think it\u2019ll happen again.<\/i> Especially since several of the ships had noticed where their two associates had gone down, and were busily slagging down all the surface in the area. There was going to be a small shiny marium<\/i> here that would bemuse the astronomers, assuming any were left alive on Earth with the leisure to be bemused.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019d think word would\u2019ve gotten around by now that that this planet\u2019s protected,\u201d Nita mutters. \u201cLike 1959 wasn\u2019t enough for that last bunch?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBefore my time,\u201d Kit growls. \u201cAnd we\u2019re<\/i> the protection at the moment. Where the hell\u2019s the cavalry? <\/i>We\u2019re\u00a0 just supposed to be a holding action\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

The next shot comes a lot closer, impacts just past them. The ground shakes and the boulder behind them fractures and slides down onto their shielding, which crackles with the kind of fizzing light that telegraphs imminent failure.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh oh bad,\u201d<\/i> Kit says all on one breath, and the next moment Nita\u2019s eyes go wide with shock as he wraps himself around her and flattens them both. Her ears ache with a sudden increase of the air pressure around them, but the shield holds, holds\u2014<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cThat spell\u2019s really going to need a hardening protocol added,\u201d she says more or less into her tank top, because moving any part of her is kind of problematic right now. She is also\u00a0 inevitably aware of Kit pressed all up and down the length of her, on top of her. \u2018Hardening.\u2019 Did I actually <\/i>say that just now? Am I or am I not the least conscious human being on this side of the Moon? Oh <\/i>please God let both of us die before he has time to deconstruct that sentence. \u2014No no I didn\u2019t <\/i>mean that, of course I didn\u2019t, that was such a stupid thing to say\u2026 Yet isn\u2019t it interesting what that writer said, that when people are shooting at you you\u2019re more likely to\u2014\u00a0 <\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cNeets?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh. Yeah?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou stopped breathing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh. Yeah.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. Now you mention it \u2014 \u201c<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cNo, no, cut.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I wasn\u2019t happy with it either. I told you, it was a first thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, good, think again, because they\u2019d never do it this way! Anyway, Nita\u2019s way too careful about her math, she always brings extra air and doubles up on the energy. And besides, does this even fulfill the basic requirements for spooning?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are requirements?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, yeah, like not being in protect-the-other-party-with-your-body-from-imminent-death mode! What possible enjoyment is there going to be in that?\u201d The Pig sips at his brandy. \u201cProbably scar them both for life. No one\u2019s gonna be pleased about that.\u201d A slight grin. \u201cExcept the people who wouldn\u2019t mind seeing this pairing sabotaged.\u201d<\/p>\n

The redhead\u2019s eyebrows go up and for just a second she sees what he means, she can\u2019t help it\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cUh oh bad,\u201d<\/i> Nita says all on one breath, and the next moment she feels the shape under her go stiff with shock; she wraps herself around him and flattens them both. Her ears ache with a sudden increase of the air pressure around them, but the shield holds, holds\u2014<\/i><\/p>\n

But it\u2019s all so peculiar all of a sudden, and the shape she\u2019s expecting underneath her is differently built, longer, rangier, and absolutely rigid with surprise. \u201cOkay,\u201d she says under her breath, \u201cthis<\/i> is weird\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?<\/i> What the fecking\u2014 what the, where<\/i> the, where the hell are we?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Nita looks shocked, then annoyed. \u201cIt\u2019s the Moon, where did you\u2014 Wait.\u201d She glanced around her. Kit was here. He<\/i> was here. Where\u2019d he go?<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cMe<\/i> wait? Wait for what?<\/i> And what the feck am I doing here?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI was going to ask you<\/i> that! Never mind\u2014\u201d She shakes her head, or tries to, and then stops, because her face keeps banging into Ronan\u2019s hair. And bouncing off it again.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow much product did you put on<\/i> today?\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019s that wax stuff, too, am I misremembering or didn\u2019t I tell you that it makes you look like a caveman? Are you even listening?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cPossibly I have better things to listen to than you giving me antiquated hair tips from your style-challenged continent. Like my date, for example! Who is going to go spare<\/i> when I don\u2019t show up on time, not that life wasn\u2019t difficult enough already what with the\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh boy, here come the complaints. And what is<\/i> it with you and these stressful situations you get yourself into with people, can you not find some way to enjoy yourself without<\/i> being completely surrounded by drama?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBelieve me, having you<\/i> whinging at me is stressful enough. You think it was my idea to add being shot at<\/i> to it? And also, why am I the little<\/i> spoon?\u201d<\/p>\n

Nita laughs in sheer disbelief. \u201cSomebody\u2019s gender roles not being catered to?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it\u2019s that I\u2019ve got a foot and a half on you at the moment!\u201d<\/p>\n

She snickers. \u201cNot even if our positions were reversed. So <\/i>much wishful thinking, Ronan, seriously\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight, right, that\u2019s it,<\/i> I am out<\/i> of here, if you\u2019re not going to snark me to death you\u2019ll do it with innuendo\u2014\u201d Ronan pulls back and tilts his head back toward the sky. \u201cExcuse me! <\/i>I have tickets for the 3Arena tonight and a date still<\/i> waiting to be picked up, I\u2019m going to miss the Dart and there won\u2019t be time for a pint before showtime, do you think you can please let me get on with my previously scheduled pull and\u2014\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

He vanishes.<\/p>\n

Nita blinks.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh no,\u201d she mutters, \u201cit\u2019s going to be one of those<\/em> days.\u201d<\/p>\n

She grits her teeth and waits to see what\u2019ll happen next.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Pig looks at the redhead and sips his Remy meditatively. \u201cYou know, you want something a lot more relaxed. Throwing them into what these inane film warnings call a \u2018situation of moderate peril\u2019 is not going to be conducive\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was moderate?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor wizards, yeah. Wouldn\u2019t you say they\u2019ve had worse?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, well. Yeah, when you put it that way I guess so.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood. Sheesh<\/i>. Try something a little less fraught.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething a bit pastoral, maybe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWouldn\u2019t overdo that. In their shoes I\u2019d think of Alaalu right off and start looking under rocks to see where the Lone One\u2019s hiding this time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

A green field in the sunshine.<\/p>\n

Somewhere, very high up, a skylark is singing. The song is full<\/i> of data \u2014 if you slow it down and listen to it in the Speech you\u2019ll hear everything from the weather report to gossip about that other lark a half a mile away, yeah, him<\/i>, you wouldn\u2019t believe<\/i> the stuff the lark you\u2019re listening to knows about him \u2014 but then, look, there are a couple of the two leggers running at each other through the wheat \u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cOw.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOw.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis stuff would cut the flesh right off you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOw!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u2014 in the sunshine, in slow motion \u2014<\/p>\n

The brunette girl\u2019s hair is bouncing behind her. Shining in the sun as she runs.<\/p>\n

This is a commercial. How are we in a commercial?<\/i><\/p>\n

\u2014 toward the tall handsome dark young guy who\u2019s running along toward her through the wheat.<\/p>\n

If I<\/i>\u2019d have known this was going to happen I would <\/i>never have worn the Hawaiian shirt. <\/i><\/p>\n

The air is bright with floating sparks of light.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s <\/i>that director, isn\u2019t it. The bread guy. The one who did the unicorns later on. <\/i><\/p>\n

The wind stirs the wheat, the summer air, as they run toward each other in slow motion.<\/p>\n

Hair color?\u00a0 Am I in a <\/i>Clairol ad? I <\/i>refuse to do this. <\/i><\/p>\n

The sun shines warm on everything, the two of them each out to each other as they get closer \u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

Never in a million years. <\/i><\/p>\n

Do we have a union? How do we not have a union that keeps us from having to do this stuff?<\/i><\/p>\n

They come closer, smiling, laughing in the sunshine \u2014<\/p>\n

If she makes us do this I will kick her in the shins. That bit in book 11 where she needs me to do, you know, <\/i>that, I will not. I will <\/i>not! Do you hear me??<\/i><\/p>\n

They get closer \u2014<\/p>\n

You know, <\/i>says the female voice, astonishingly calmly, I have Jim Kirk\u2019s commcode. He likes you but not <\/i>that much. If we ask him to, he and Spock will have <\/i>such a moment in the middle of the next book\u2014\u00a0 They\u2019ll have to pulp the whole printing. Are you listening??<\/i><\/p>\n

The two beautiful teenage figures in the cornfield slow to near motionlessness, freeze\u2026<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cUm.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou might have overstepped the bounds a bit there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, maybe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou put them in a commercial.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cUm.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo have another think.\u201d<\/p>\n

And elswehere\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, okay\u2026 it\u2019s the Moon again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. Preferable, I think.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. It\u2019s not a Clairol commercial. One question though: why\u2019ve they stopped shooting?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat, are you complaining?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot me. Just, if something worse is about to happen, I\u2019d like to know!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to look.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLook, the shields are \u2014 \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cI think they\u2019re okay for just a second or so, Bobo\u2019s not making any fuss \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust be careful \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

Nita sticks her head up from behind the rock, very slowly, very carefully: peers around. Then cranes her neck up\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh. Something you don\u2019t see every day,\u201d she mutters.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTake a look.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kit comes up beside her, leaning on the rock, and stares at the wave of incoming spacecraft. They\u2019re just hanging there, frozen, the pulses from their energy weapons caught still in midstrike, halfway to the surface.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd another thing,\u201d Nita mutters. \u201cAre your ears burning?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Kit stares at her. \u201c\u2026Well, you know, now that you mention it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d Nita mutters, \u201cjust what I thought. It\u2019s going to be another of those interesting days. For certain values of \u2018day.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

She shoulders up a little against the shield. It moves with her. \u201cGood, that\u2019s working anyway.\u201d Nita sighs. \u201cAnd you\u2019re back, at least.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kit frowns in bemusement. \u201cI was gone?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes you were.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, that\u2019s weird. What the hell happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have no idea. Stuff just blinked. Then Ronan was here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh great. Trouble at his end?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. That hair wax.\u201d<\/p>\n

A pause. \u201cYou have completely<\/i> lost me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNever mind. Now we just have to figure out where we go from here\u2026\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cLook, all you have to do is get them pressed up together.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn a nice<\/i> way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow hard can that be? No violence, no ersatz Ridley Scott backgrounds, come on!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, how about this?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhatever it is, just roll it.\u201d<\/p>\n

A cave. Darkness. The far, cold, wrong end of time.<\/p>\n

Two young figures wrapped in bearskins. Or something similar.<\/p>\n

One of them moves closer to the other, drapes his bearskin around her.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is so stereotypical,\u201d<\/i> mutters the smaller of the two forms.<\/p>\n

\u201cUm. You\u2019re shivering.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well, so are you! Does anybody seriously think shivering is gender-linked?<\/i> Look at you, your mouth<\/i> is blue.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is not.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is so, and it\u2019s not even about blue food for a change. You look like you did after you ate that blue popsicle at the beach last year.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUm.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that is the fakest<\/i> bearskin I ever saw. You know her, you know she\u2019d have trouble killing a bear even if she was<\/i> freezing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGot a point there\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Then\u2026a sigh.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, go on. To make her happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlainly this is not one of her best days. She\u2019s struggling. Go on, let\u2019s get her off the hook! Put it around me and then get under here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh. You sure?\u201d<\/p>\n

A long breath. \u201cWhen are we going to get any peace? Come on.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026Okay.\u201d<\/p>\n

Some rustling ensues. Snow blows past the opening of the cave. There is a consolidation of bearskins. Two forms snuggle together.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026It works better the long way.\u201d<\/p>\n

A pause, and then terrible snickering breaks out. \u201cShe did not<\/i> just make you say that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s really kind of\u2026 you know\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

An eyeroll as a stone-age dimness settles in around. \u201cOnly if you\u2019re like sixty.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/i>Well, if somebody would talk<\/i> to her\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot sure that\u2019s my<\/i> table. She gets so psychological.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, okay. But seriously! Isn\u2019t this supposed to unfold naturally<\/i> or something? I ask you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you know\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, stop making excuses for her.\u201d Annoyed, Kit stands up. \u201cI could have just been getting comfortable!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, not comfortable<\/i> comfortable! You know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot sure I want to.\u201d<\/p>\n

He turns his head up to the dark sky. \u201cLook,\u201d he says, his voice raised and rather edged, \u201cI know, all the usual stuff, you know what you\u2019re doing, you have some kind of big plan, it\u2019s all for the best, fine, but would you make up your fucking mind??!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Nita stares at him. \u201cWhoa,\u201d<\/i> she says under her breath.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Pig looks at the redhead. \u201cWhoa,\u201d<\/i> it says.<\/p>\n

The redhead looks a little shocked. \u201cUm. That was unusual.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat, the backtalk? Don\u2019t tell me none of them have ever dropped an F-bomb on you while you were working.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, no. I\u2019ve had plenty of that. But not so much direction.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFine. You know what? Let it go for today. Work doesn\u2019t always go the way you want it to. Find another road that won\u2019t give them, or you, so much grief.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMmmm\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

They sip at their drinks.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait. I know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSleepover!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

The Pig gives the redhead the side-eye. \u201cCo-ed? In the New York suburbs? Word gets out, they\u2019ll have social services banging on the door in a matter of hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope. There are other places.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t tell me you\u2019re putting them on the Moon again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBeats Pluto this time of year. But no.\u201d<\/p>\n

The redhead sinks into a moment\u2019s reverie. The pub\u2019s soundtrack veers abruptly into the mid-1950s.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy boy Lollipop\u2014<\/p>\n

You made my heart go giddyup,<\/p>\n

You are as sweet as candyyyyy\u2026\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cOh, come on. You\u2019re dating yourself now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have never<\/i> dated myself.\u201d A brief pause. \u201cWell, maybe once. It was an accident.\u201d<\/p>\n

The redhead laughs hard and long. \u201cI doubt that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not above playing the Game. The<\/i> Great Game, Kipling and Doyle and their successors notwithstanding. To go around the long way, and forget it all. And then meet yourself coming from the unexpected direction\u2026 and not recognize yourself, because you can\u2019t be there<\/i>, can\u2019t be then, <\/i>can you? And matters unfold\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She has to laugh. \u201cBut as for the song\u2026 stop playing the age card. Of course you knew that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026 yes. But it\u2019s not my fault. I was there. I am all songs. I am all places.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are all pigs, anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course. I\u2019m why you like Miss Piggy. I\u2019m why you liked Wilbur, and Hen Wen. I am experience, slung low to the ground. I am<\/i> the ground. I am being<\/i> grounded. I am what roots for sources, and source. I am the sources longing to be rooted for.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are also an insufferable nugget of theatricality. You are, in fact, the very pituitary of the mischief at the core of universal Mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOooh, I like that. Can I steal it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you kidding? You probably wrote<\/i> it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFinally!<\/i> Finally a writer who gets it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I am the engine of execution,\u201d says the redhead to the Pig, \u201cand even for you, it\u2019s polite to ask.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cQuite right, since courtesy costs you nothing,\u201d says the Transcendent Pig. \u201cThat\u2019s at the heart of the while business, isn\u2019t it? The one thing that keeps the Lone One from becoming wholly alienated. We foil it, we frustrate it, we smack it around, but at the end of the day we do our damndest to be courteous to It. Because sooner or later, It\u2019s coming home, and it\u2019s bad to be rude to your relatives when they\u2019re in that runaway stage.\u201d<\/p>\n

A long sigh as the redhead leans briefly on her elbows, glancing at the news channel, and rubs her eyes wearily. \u201cO my most senior cousin,\u201d she mutters. \u201cHow bloody much longer?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cA long road yet,\u201d says the Pig. \u201cBut worth staying on, if only to read the Burma Shave signs.\u201d<\/p>\n

She tips her head sideways, and chuckles after a moment, then holds still until she gets the scansion under control: this particular poetic medium is rigorous. Finally she says:<\/p>\n

\u201cWhile Evil runs
\naround amuck
\nLike some poor headless
\nBarnyard cluck\u2014\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Pig eyes her.<\/p>\n

\u201cRemember this,
\nThe One\u2019s best joke:
\nThey\u2019re both<\/i> hid there \u2018neath
\nDarkness\u2019s cloak.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And then they look at each other and bang their glasses together and chorus,<\/p>\n

\u201cBurma Shave!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

After a moment the Pig says, \u201cToo Zen, you think?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNaah.\u201d<\/p>\n

The pub music\u2019s playlist, which has been mostly doing more recent oldies, reverts from the 50s stuff to something more 20th-century, with its roots in the 80s and 90s mostly. The redhead has already half-registered a familiar 4\/4 keyboard intro coming up in the background, and a more-than-familiar voice starting the first verse of a song she loved long before any TV show made a cover of it famous. With regret she\u2019d already dismissed the music as not presently worth distracting her from ongoing business: the song\u2019ll loop around again in an hour and a half or so.<\/p>\n

However, the sudden crazed pizzicato flurry of the upscaling guitar riff that she\u2019s never<\/i> been able to ignore since she first heard this track now flings itself with a shriek against the next-bar double crash of the drums as if driving into a wall. And in perfect time with the slightly rough alto of Journey\u2019s then-lead singer, from the Pig\u2019s mouth\u2014originally opened, the redhead had assumed, for some trenchant comment\u2014there issues right on the beat a sweet yet smouldering tenor exactly in resonance with the pure hard-edged alto of the lead singer.<\/p>\n

\u201cA singer in a smoky room,<\/p>\n

a smell of wine and cheap perfume:<\/p>\n

for a smile they can share the night:<\/p>\n

it goes on, and on, and on, and on\u2014\u201d<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Pig\u2019s eyes are squinched shut with the pleasure of an artist lost in the momentary intensity of performance. The redhead\u2019s mouth drops open a bit as the drums slug fully into the backbeat and the verse rolls forward. \u201cStrangers \/ waiting \/ up and down the boulevard, their \/ shadows \/ searching \/ in the niiiight\u2026\u201d and fifteen seconds and a couple of lines later the Pig is matching Steve Perry one-for-one on the high note at verse\u2019s end, a full register down but who in their right mind could possibly care?<\/p>\n

The rest of Journey plunges into play, and the Fenders come growling in to prep for the main melodic line and the next verse. It\u2019s a good thing no one else can see this,<\/i> the redhead thinks, because they\u2019d try to have me 2PC\u2019d, <\/i>but the moment being what it is she simply clears her throat and starts singing harmony a third down from Perry, as for the moment they\u2019re both of them just backup to someone far more central in the Great Scheme Of Things. \u201cSome\u2019ll win, some will lose, some\u2019re born to sing the blues\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

The chorus comes rolling in and the Pig leans against the back of his bar stool and belts his way through it.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026Living just to find emotion,<\/p>\n

hiding<\/p>\n

somewhere<\/p>\n

in the niiiiiiight\u2014\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Then the song\u2019s bridge hits and the Zildjians smash and guitars rip loose, wailing, and the Transcendent Pig throws its hooves in the air and begins doing air guitar,<\/i> air guitar of an unselfconscious intensity surely not seen since the substructure of this universe coalesced out of the quantum foam.<\/p>\n

\"Image<\/a><\/figure>\n

The redhead is perhaps understandably stunned. From the Pig you normally expect calm sagacity, wry Zenlike utterance, the serious stuff. But what is is, <\/i>as the Pig says. Apparently when the Pleroma sends you lemons, you make lemonade, and when Life sends you Journey, you do air guitar.<\/p>\n

So there\u2019s more air guitar through the chorus\u2019s codas, and this time it\u2019s both of them because when one of the Eternal Verities lets loose like this, what can one do?\u2014and there they are, working the necks and bodies of instruments that are even less there than one or maybe one and a half of them, headbanging happily in time and in the general direction of the age-darkened ebony caryatids on either side of the bar mirror.\u00a0 Eventually the song fades and they let it go, both with regret: there are some songs you really don\u2019t want to end.<\/p>\n

The redhead shakes her head, gulps wine, and grins. \u201cYou rock,\u201d <\/i>she says.<\/p>\n

\u201cLong and hard,\u201d the Pig says, and they bang their glasses together again and get their breaths back.<\/p>\n

They have a long sip, and finally the redhead sighs and says, \u201cYou know? They\u2019re gonna do what they\u2019re gonna do. The Author is Dead, I hear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly for certain values of dead,\u201d the Pig says, \u201cand only for certain values of authorship. Creation<\/i> never dies: the only things that shift unpredictably are personification and inhabition. Everything else is gravy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich leaves them<\/i> where?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn their own place, as always. The created is immortal.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dAnd the more immortal and alive it is, the more intractable.\u201d<\/p>\n

A long, low chuckle. \u201cYou said it, not me. Those who would untimely remove the power of creation from the author may find themselves holding a weapon they can\u2019t master. But that\u2019s their problem. Meanwhile, the characters so often know their way better than the author does at any given moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot always<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, the moment has to be given<\/i>, doesn\u2019t it? Try to take<\/i> it and you may be very sorry after the fact. Only the characters have it in their power to make the gift. But when they do\u2026 then so often everything comes right. Because at the end of the day, we\u2019re all working this through together: and there is no gift so cooperative.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u201cSo let\u2019s take stock. We are not on the Moon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe are not in some kind of commercial for deodorant or something.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe are in fact walking down the middle of the Main Concourse at the Crossings with half the people we know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYup.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn sleepwear.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cSo it would seem.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is like one of those nightmares about standing up to give a book report in class and realizing you\u2019re naked.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcept with way since less embarrassment, because no one here gives a damn. For all the tourists know, this is some kind of formal procession. Also, less nakedness.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s Darryl got on up there? It\u2019s eighteen sizes too big for him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreen Bay Packers shirt, it looks like.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe should belt it up a little. He looks like some kind of really weird Roman senator.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well, I wouldn\u2019t talk if I were you. You really need a new bathrobe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh please, not you too.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cThat one\u2019s starting to look like a miniskirt on you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI give up. Really, really I give up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWeren\u2019t they going to buy you a new one when you came clothes-shopping?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRonan! <\/i>You said you were going to buy him a bathrobe!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot talking to you right now!\u201d <\/i>the shout floats down the line. \u201cYou mocked my hair and made me late for my date!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Kit says.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlternate timeline,\u201d Nita mutters, \u201che\u2019s just using it to try to guilt me out. Good luck with that<\/i>. \u2014Like you really care so long as you got a leg over!\u201d she shouts.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what?\u201d the answer comes drifting back. \u201cNo one takes me seriously. No one.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cEspecially when you say you\u2019re not talking to somebody and then you keep doing it!\u201d<\/p>\n

A silence heavily flavored with put-on sulk ensues. Kit grins, looking further up the line. \u201cHey, look at that, Sker\u2019ret\u2019s a different color.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a onesie.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow does he get that on, I wonder.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a spray.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMakes sense, I guess, with all those legs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd did<\/i> you?\u201d Nita shouts up the line at Ronan. \u201cGet a leg over?\u201d<\/p>\n

His shoulders are shaking with laughter, visible even from all the way back here. She decides not to press him\u2026 then laughs at yet another innuendo she\u2019s been spared.<\/p>\n

They wind up in one of the largest of the business suites at the Crossings that\u2019s designed for species that don\u2019t use furniture: the floor is some kind of programmable oobleck with a soft fuzzy coating, so the space is absolutely perfect for being repurposed as the location for a giant slumber party. Over a couple of hours, people dispose themselves across it, direct lights in specific areas or turn them off, spend time gaming or reading to one another, snack, chat, argue, laugh, drowse.<\/p>\n

In the dimness, along toward the point where even on the Crossings\u2019 easygoing timeline the evening is shading into the early hours, two voices can be heard murmuring off to one side.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was interesting, though. Where we were.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh. \u2018Interesting.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. Short of air\u2026 marooned on the Moon\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYep.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThings might\u2019ve got interesting if we\u2019d been there for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn the freezing cold. On the ground. With all that dust!\u201d Nita shivers.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou just hate that it makes you sneeze. But yeah! Dramatic. The air getting colder. And neither of us with a coat. We\u2019d have had to conserve heat.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease! Like something out of \u2018White Fang.\u2019 Cold is nature\u2019s way of telling you to go somewhere warmer. Or bring a coat.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd with the air getting short\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWouldn\u2019t have been my <\/i>fault. I always bring extra. And anyway, there are eighteen ways out of that problem. If things are bad, teleport us home. Want to stay here? Then teleport some air in<\/i>, the Earth\u2019s just over there!\u201d Nita shakes her head.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, in that scenario we were short. I was trying to find some creative way to blame you for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave to be reeeeeeeal creative.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo that leads us to the next question.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh huh. Why exactly are you lying on top of me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026Give me a moment and I\u2019ll let you know.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(This comes to you via the as yet incomplete Young Wizards 30-Day OTP collection. The song in question came up in our local pub’s playlist just now, and I couldn’t…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6072,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","activitypub_max_image_attachments":4,"activitypub_interaction_policy_quote":"anyone","activitypub_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[724],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5744","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-young-wizards-meta"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Transcendent Pig on Air Guitar - Out of Ambit<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.dianeduane.com\/outofambit\/2019\/07\/02\/the-transcendent-pig-on-air-guitar\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Transcendent Pig on Air Guitar - Out of Ambit\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"(This comes to you via the as yet incomplete Young Wizards 30-Day OTP collection. 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